Vernon's Birth Story — letters from a Good friend

1 month has come and gone since little Vernon Douglas made his way into this world. It has been the most challenging month of my life, to say the least. Motherhood is HARD. Babies are hard. Breastfeeding is hard. Postpartum hormones are hard. There’s just so much that is hard. And I’ll be really honest, it’s been a lot harder than I thought it would be. But, as everyone from family, friends, and even the chick at the pediatrician’s office that looked at me with knowing eyes as I tried to carry my crying baby through the waiting room while also trying to get him to stop crying and fill out paper work and maneuver the waiting room people and carry all the things: it gets easier. Every day. Some days just the teeniest tiniest bit, but it does get easier. And wow who knew that one minute I’d be crying because of things like having NO idea what my baby wants sometimes or trying (and failing at first) to figure out this torture contraption called a breast pump, then the next minute crying happy tears because my baby was SEEING me and SMILING AT ME!!! Pretty incredible, intense stuff.

Anyways, this post isn’t about postpartum or even this first month, this is Vernon’s birth story! I’ll try not to go into TOO much detail, but bear with me as I relive it here (: And feel free to comment or message me if you are curious about anything after you read! I really loved our experience at our birth center with my midwife and her team, and would be happy to answer any questions about any of that or anything else! Also just know that I’m again crying as I’m writing this and listen to my “Vernon” playlist (;

Sometime in the middle of the night I started experiencing very intense contractions, very unlike the braxton hicks I had the last few months of pregnancy. I had kept wondering how I would know if I was having a real contraction or just another fake-y... but trust me, you KNOW. I didn’t look at the clock or my phone to help me be able to go back to sleep in between contractions, I figured I had lots of time since everyone and their mother had told me that the first one doesn’t come very fast. At some point I couldn’t handle the contractions in bed any longer so when they woke me up, I would go to the bathroom or walk around. Finally it seemed like I wasn’t really getting to sleep in between the contractions anymore so I asked my Mom (who had been here over a week “patiently” waiting for this!) if she was awake, and told her she should start timing my contractions. She downloaded an app to help and finally around 6:45 a.m. I couldn’t take it anymore and woke Joel up (I had been trying to let him sleep till his alarm went off at 7) so he took over timing the contractions. We got in touch with my midwife who was excited and said that we would most likely be having a baby that day! I paced around for a while, Joel kept timing the contractions, and my Mom took Jake for a walk. The contractions seemed to really be intensifying and coming quickly (to me) and finally Joel agreed. We told me midwife we were heading her way soon, finished packing, and headed out the door around 8:30 a.m. We had a 50+ minute drive to the birth center!!!! Luckily the huge construction area on the road to get there hadn’t gotten started for the day yet, and we lucked out with not terrible traffic on the highway either thank goodness! I sat in the backseat with my eyes closed the majority of the time, trying to quietly handle my contractions.

We arrived at about 9:30 am at the birth center where everyone was waiting on us! Trish (my midwife) told me to head into the exam room and she would check me. But I couldn’t bring myself to even get on the exam table, my contractions were coming so hard and so quickly, I couldn’t focus on anything but them. So instead we headed into the birth room that I had picked, and got situated. Meaning, they all did stuff that I have no idea what it was, and I paced around with my eyes half closed, trying to make myself breath through contractions instead of clenching my jaw. My contractions seemed to really start to pick up at this point, I was laboring HARD. I tried laboring in bed for a bit, then on the birth ball, but ultimately ended up on the toilet where my clothes came off except for my bra. I just couldn’t bear to deal with anything else at that point haha! I think I started on the toilet because I was trying to pee, but then ended up staying there for a while laboring. I had told Joel and my Mom a few days before to NOT let me have my baby on the toilet, and as I sat there laboring on the toilet with Joel at my side and my midwife sitting in front of me, I told my midwife also to NOT let me have this baby on the toilet! But, every time she asked if I wanted to move somewhere else I couldn’t bring myself to move!

I kept wondering when someone would tell me it was time to start pushing, but was too afraid to ask. I was so surprised when all of a sudden during a contraction I felt my body just start pushing on it’s own. I remember that one distinctly, and hearing my midwife say from right outside the bathroom “Oh THAT was a push!” I was relieved, but afraid too! I was in so much pain already and the surprise of the push and the extra pain that came with it had made me exclaim aloud. I remember at some point I started moaning (and maybe whimpering haha) as I felt a new contraction coming on, I dreaded the pain so much.

I labored on the toilet for what seemed like a LONG time until finally I got up and moved to the bed. I remember my back hurting so bad, and my legs beginning to cramp. We tried all kinds of different positions on my back in bed but nothing felt right. Each contraction brought on the urge to push and I would wildly push with all my might, PRAYING silently that this one would bring the end and our baby. My contractions were so strong and so quick, I was panting and couldn’t control my breathing. Oxygen was brought in and my Mom helped hold the mask on my face (later in the pictures I saw she was crying during this part!) I remember her and Joel telling me how much they loved me and how good I was doing. I honestly can’t tell you much about what everyone else was doing because I had my eyes closed most of this whole time! I didn’t have my glasses on so I couldn’t see anything anyways haha. But keeping my eyes closed seemed to help me focus, seemed to help me bare the pain and helped me visualize the end of each contraction as it started. It helped me remember that this would end eventually and finally bring me to meet my sweet baby.

(Don’t worry, we are nearing the end I promise (: )

Eventually I moved to stand at the end of the bed. There I would grip the bed frame or Joel or whatever as each contraction tore through my body, gripping the bed linens as I pushed. I remember quivering and shaking as I bore down to push with everything I had and then some. I definitely started making some interesting noises with each contraction around this time, but everyone assured me later I wasn’t as loud as I thought I was (not sure if I believe them though, since my throat was hoarse the rest of the day haha!) I won’t lie, also around this time there were several contractions where I fought my way through them. I just couldn’t bring myself to push forcefully, I thought I couldn’t handle it. I also thought several times in the midst of these contractions that I was BAT SHIT crazy for thinking I could handle a natural birth, what was I thinking?! Joel and I had decided weeks prior that I would have to ask for an epidural (which would mean a hospital transfer) for 5 contractions in a row before he would take me (knowing full and well that if I asked once he would do whatever I asked of him in the heat of a scary moment, and that’s not really what we wanted) But I not once actually voiced my brief thoughts of pain relief. I kept reminding myself that my heart and soul wanted this to be our story, Vernon’s story. This is how I, me, Alixandria Good, wanted to bring my beautiful son into this world, and it was MY CHOICE and damn I’m glad I had the choice and made the one that I did.

So here we are, I’m standing at the end of this gigantic bed, bearing down with each contraction, pushing my damned hardest. Dying for someone to say “okay one more push!” Finally, there were several contractions where I truly thought my body was being ripped apart (ring of fire anyone?) and I heard Trish ask Joel if he wanted to see his baby’s head (and that there was hair! Which had long been something I voiced my hope of haha) They asked if I wanted to look, but I said no (again, no glasses, can’t see a thing people) and then it was like contraction, holy crap he’s here! He slid out so fast on that last huge push that Joel, who was standing/squatting next to me holding me, didn’t even have time to reach down and catch him! Of course Trish was there and I remember her saying reach down and grab your baby!

Joel gently brought me to sit on the floor and straddled me to help hold me up, while I brought our beautiful baby boy as close as I could. This whole part is so surreal, it’s like I experienced it in slow motion. I remember asking why he wasn’t crying and then he immediately started crying. I brought him as close as I could as hands reached in with towels and blankets to wrap him in. He was so frekaing beautiful (and gross, let’s be honest here) and my brain was on pause trying to comprehend how I brought this into the world, how this was MY baby, OUR baby. I remember I kept looking at Vernon and looking over my shoulder at Joel in pure amazement.

The next few hours were kind of a blur (well, the whole day was, but yea.) But it included the placenta coming out (GROSS, no I did NOT want a picture of that thank you very much) a wonderful tea bath followed by a glorious shower, The BEST Jimmy Johns sub I’ve ever had in my life (THANKS MOM YOU ARE THE FREAKING BOMB) baby cuddles, breastfeeding, stitches, watching my incredible husband and beautiful Mom hold their baby boy and fall in love with him, and who knows what else.

Natural child birth was the most pain I’ve ever felt in my life. I’ve never broken a bone, required stitches or much medical care past maybe an occasionally urgent care visit (and obviously have never birthed a baby any other way), and I told Joel that day that in that moment, I NEVER wanted to birth another baby (but then told him that I’d probably feel different later (; ) But I am so incredibly thankful we had the choice to have our baby the way we wanted. In a beautiful, peaceful, loving environment without any pressures for unnecessary measures, staffed with the kindest people. In a place where I felt safe, free to do as I felt was right in the moment, and loved/cared for by everyone in the room. It was a truly beautiful experience, despite the pain (that my mind won’t soon forget, but that my body seems to have recovered from!)

And then about 6 hours later, we headed home! haha! That seems crazy, right?! We loaded up the car (Joel had to finish installing the car seat haha! whoops) went to Panda Express drive thru, and went home to our puppies! We literally got home around 7:30 that night haha!! The dogs were so happy we were home and so intrigued by this little human we brought with us! Thank you to all who have been checking on them, the boys are definitely jealous that Vernon has my attention SO MUCH, and they are feeling a little cooped up at the moment, but they’re adjusting fine and are very curious/interested in Vernon (and Jake loves to give him kisses. ugh haha)

**I also need to say a special thanks to my Mom who worked her butt off helping me baby-prep for over a week, and then basically kept me alive for the first week of Vernon’s life (Joel was able to take the day after Vernon was born off of work, but then had to go back :( ) Mom (aka Vernon’s Granny), you are an amazing mom and best friend, and I know I keep telling you this but I do not think I could’ve survived that first week without you. You are so selfless, loving, and caring and I will never be able to put into words how grateful I am for you and ALL of your thoughtfulness. Thank you for everything and just for always being there for me! I am SO GLAD that you were a part of Vernon’s birth story (: I love you!!